Letters to my dad

Two days ago marked the 1st year anniversary since my father passed away. Usually I start these letters with dear dad but not this time. I started of the 18th of January with tears and flashbacks of myself on the floor screaming with tears when I realised that all these people in the house were not praying for my father's speedy recovery but came to help my family tell me that when I saw my dad being driven to ICU in that hospital, helpless, it would be the last I would see him alive.

I called my mother searching for what I thought would be twin tears instead my mother surprised me with the strength and wisdom that has made my love and respect for her grow over the years: "Why do you feel the sense of duty to cry on his anniversary?" and what at the time felt like the most cruel and harsh thing my mother had to say, came to be the most comforting words that have come to aid me with a growth I needed to undergo to able to MOVE.

Dear Dad

I have let myself, aspirations and life be governed by your death. I have used it as an excuse for every mishap, challenge and failures that have come my way this past year. I have failed myself and as a result have failed you and all the others that continue to believe in me. I refuse. I take full responsibility for everything and i take charge of my life AND all the choices I have made and all the other tougher decisons I am still to make.

The thing they forget to remind you of when death hits you is that you still have a whole new life ahead of you and although its new its still yours to live.

Mom always reminds me of how proud you were of me and the things I had achieved and continued to take in my stride. I always remember how you use to tell me of how proud you were of me and all the other things I did - it was the last real conversation I had with you so how could I forget. I just remembered it the wrong way. You weren't proud of all the physical things i had done and achieved. You ARE proud of the person I had become that had led me to do all the things I have achieved - strong, wise, ambitious, caring and wanting to bring change amongst many other things. I spent the past year just doing so I could keep you proud but I failed at what matterd to you the most; losing myself.

Dear dad, a year has passed without you and I cry for all the things we still had to share together but I celebrate and embrace the man you were and continue to be even in spirit. A strong educated black attorney who was passionate about everything he did: his profession and his family. I remember you for your ethics, your love and perseverance. You have fought but I now know that even the greatest warrior has to stand down at some point.

I have been wanting to feel or hear you in my dreams or when I walk at some point thought maybe I would never and all those things are just better left in the movies but I feel you move than ever. You continue to groom me into the strong woman I now remember I am. You never left. You are still here.

Enkosi daddy.

I love you and still miss you

Rest in Peace
Gugulethu Luyanda Miza